Finding hope and connection in the midst of grief

‘…whether we lose a person, or whether we lose a place, or whether we lose some ’thing’ that’s important to us, it’s normal for us to need an extended period of emotion or reaction to that.’

Shelley Skinner isn’t afraid to talk about grief and loss. Indeed, she’s made it her life’s work to help others, particularly young people, have those important conversations about death, dying and loss.

Shelley is the CEO of Lionheart, an organisation she began a decade ago with colleagues at Princess Margaret Hospital and Perth Children’s Hospital.

As a palliative care social worker, it became obvious to Shelley that children who experienced the death of a parent or a sibling, where the death was not caused by cancer, received little to no support to help manage their grief.

‘If your family member had died from cancer, you had Camp Quality and Canteen and all those excellent services that Lionheart now works closely with,’ Shelley says. ‘But if your family member died of anything else, there was nothing. You could pay for psychology, or pay for play therapy, but there was no kind of normalising, connecting, community support.’

Shelley ‘raged’ for a while and then decided she had to do something about it. Her own mum had died unexpectedly when Shelley was just 26, so it was an easy leap for her to understand what the young people she counselled must be going through.

‘I remember thinking, I’m an adult, and I know what my mum believed in, and I know what her values were and what she wanted for me in my life, but if I was 6, or 7, or 10, I wouldn’t know any of that.’

‘My sister and I talked about it a lot,’ Shelley says. ‘If Mum had died when we were little, life would have been so different. Dad would have had no support. It made me think of all the families in that situation.

As Shelley describes, she decided to ‘put up or shut up’. With her colleague Belinda Hughes she created a program called Blue Skies—a two-day camp for kids aged 8 to 12 following the death of a parent.

‘The children really blossomed,’ Shelley says. ‘The problem was, that while we were providing the kids with new skills and language around grief—new connections—they were going home to siblings, parents and extended family who had no idea what they were talking about.

‘We realised the program was never going to make sustainable change, unless we broadened the circle.’

When Blue Skies couldn’t find an organisation to continue the program, Shelley and Belinda decided to bite the bullet. After all, how hard could it be to start a charity? (turns out, pretty darn hard). And so, Lionheart was born.

‘Yes, it’s been hard and there have been challenges, but it’s also been the most wonderful journey and experience,’ Shelley says. ‘We now have support programs in our community for ALL children regardless of how a person died, regardless of who died, where they lived, or whether families can afford support.’

Lionheart’s programs are designed to educate children, teens, and adults about grief and loss, to ensure the whole family unit is strengthened and empowered on their grief journey. They provide a safe, fun environment for children and teens to explore and understand their grief and recognise that while grief is one part of their life, it doesn’t need to define them.

Lionheart’s programs also offer opportunities for parents and grandparents to learn about childhood grief and how to manage their own while supporting their children.

‘Our camps are for whole families,’ Shelley says. ‘The family members do some activities separately and some together. This all happens six months after the death of someone in a family’s life—we think the first six months is just too overwhelming and all-consuming.

‘We also run “returning family camps” that families can come to each year for as long as they need or want to.’

Lionheart is also piloting a new program called Raw to Roar, after feedback from families about the lack of support immediately after the death of their loved one.

‘If someone has an illness, at the time of diagnosis, families are surrounded by health professionals and social workers and OTs and nurses … the system is also getting really good at end-of-life care,’ Shelley says.

‘But then families are telling us things like, “our child died yesterday and we had to leave them at the hospital and have woken up this morning without them, standing in our loungeroom, no role, no purpose, not knowing what to do”.’

Raw to Roar will see grief coaches walking alongside families from the time of diagnosis (if it’s a terminal illness) through end of life, into bereavement, and for two years after that. The grief coaches work with extended family as well, and into schools and workplaces.

‘The idea is to provide skills and scaffolding for those in the family’s circle of support,’ Shelley explains. ‘If we can upskill the whole community, imagine how beautiful that would be for a grieving child or family.’

One of the most important aspects of the Lionheart new families camp is the opportunity for young people to tell stories about the person they’ve lost. For many it’s the first opportunity they’ve had to talk about the person and, as Shelley says, they delight in it.

‘Often the people close to them feel awkward and don’t talk about the person who’s died for fear of upsetting the child, but we start every camp with an activity that invites the young person to bring a photo and share their story with other participants in a small group.

‘To begin with, they’re a bit hesitant, and not sure what their story means to them yet. But they practice it over the two days—think about “how” they tell their story. When they return a year later we start the same way, and you can see how their story has evolved. Often, they find the connection between themselves and the person who died. My dad really loved reading and I love reading. We have the same colour hair.

‘They start to connect with their person, what it meant to have them in their life, and how that connection will grow into the future.  The more they tell their story the more they have a sense of belonging to that story.

‘It’s a beautiful thing.’

Shelley Skinner provided us with so much wisdom when it comes to talking with children and young people who are experiencing grief that we’ve saved much of it for another blog. Keep an eye on our social media or website blog page for more.

We’ll also include some great ideas from Shelley for using Innovative Resources card sets in a grief and loss settings which you’ll find in our product toolboxes.

Find out more about Lionheart programs at: Programs – Lionheart Camp For Kids

by John Holton